Hi!
'Just popping in to solicit your opinions ... perhaps to change my mind before tomorrow.
I think there's little not to love about our little church. Oh sure, there's a few who walk about with noses in the air -- but for the most part, everyone's warm and caring.
A few days ago, a long-standing member of the congregation passed away. I don't recall ever having spoken to Dan, but his wife and I were one-time FB acquaintances. Not someone I'd normally cross the aisle to speak with.
Anyway.
Like Tom and I, a large percentage of our congregation are on fixed incomes.
Not so, the deceased. I'd say they're "people of means."
Imagine my surprise when Pastor Janet put out a call for a 'Meal Train' and or restaurant gift cards to benefit the deceased's family.
Not long after, another e-mail: "The family has asked for additional days (food)."
Then, they've asked that a post-funeral reception be held in our fellowship hall. Pastor Janet's put out another call for food and beverages.
Okay, I resent being 'strong-armed' ... but I'm too big a coward to ignore the call.
Reluctantly, I'm providing 3 boxes of cookies.
Being new to the South, I wonder if this is a thing?
Normally, I wouldn't mind bringing a casserole or something, but this feels like a gift-grab by folks who could well afford to buy their own food and beverages.
Heretofore, my only experiences have been either that the funeral home arranges for a catered reception, or friends and family gather at the home.
How are things done in your part of the world?
Please -- and I really mean this, friends. If I'm behaving badly, would you suggest I benefit from an attitude adjustment?
Thanks ... love y'all!
Restaurant gift cards? That's a new one to me. I think your cookie donation is more than appropriate. In my corner of the world the family provides a meal at home after the funeral. When people come to pay their respect they often bring food. Never seen this before. I can't get over the request for gift cards.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Carol!
DeleteI should have clarified, cards for restaurants.
the churches I have attended, all did the same thing. After the funeral, the family and all who attended were invited to have lunch which was provided by the members of the church bringing what ever food they wanted to bring. I have never had anyone ask for gift cards or food, like this. I do not go to funerals of people I do not know. I would stay home and take nothing. Cookies are fine.
ReplyDelete'Meal Trains' are commonplace here -- both for those who've lost a loved one, or have fallen on ill health. Last year I was happy to donate a pizza to one of my Bible study friends after her long hospitalization.
DeleteIn the South, it's appropriate to bring food to the bereaved family. I wouldn't put restaurant gift cards in that category. To me, that's bordering on rudeness.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, Myra, there's my two-cents worth.
Blessings!
Thanks, Martha. I keep asking myself, "WWJD?"
DeleteWell, to be fair, Jesus would make his own bread (and fishes) and also wine out of water. 😂 ha ha, you asked WWJD.
DeleteGood one!
DeleteOK ... but Jesus would never put an obligation on anyone.
DeleteGod bless.
Although a non-cook may prefer to offer a gift card in lieu of cooking, I would hope that would be the expectation.
ReplyDeleteGood point!
DeleteForgive it. The feelings you have are understandable, but let them go in peace.
ReplyDeleteIt's a way to help the family grieve and is more about time than food. Now they don't have to make dinner.
If you can afford to give something, do, but if not, don't feel pressured to give.
That's all. It's a kind gesture is all.
Thank you, Sandi. I don't want people thinking I'm being cheap.
DeleteNO ... you are not behaving badly and have no reason to reproach yourself. I take it this call for food (help) is voluntary and no one knows whether you donated or not - i.e. your are not ticked against a list. So I would not contribute at all. (But then, I am very mean). Even the tree boxes of cookies.
ReplyDeleteIf the pastor, or anyone else, comments about your non-donation tell them, with a straight face, you just could not afford it.
At work we always had collections for people retiring, to buy them a farewell gift. I never donated on the principle that they would be gone and not donate when I leave. (Did I tell you I am mean?)
It is wrong for anyone, or a church, to put an obligation on people to donate. Christ would not do that.
As for attending the funeral. This is your decision. You can attend the church funeral but not the reception afterwards. Or not attend at all. The important thing is that you should not feel guilty about your decision.
Do what you feel right. But NO - you should not be under an obligation to give and you are NOT behaving badly.
God bless, Mevely.
Thank you, Victor. This sounds just like something Fr. Ignatius would say. (*wink*)
DeletePS - Actually, we all respond on a private FB thread what it is we're giving/bringing. Peer pressure's a tricky sort of thing.
I honestly think you should not be pressurised. Don't reply to the FB page if you don't feel like giving.
DeleteLet me explain. There was a nice old lady neighbour down our street. A sweet woman. Every so often she would walk down the street door-to-door collecting for a charity she was associated with. This was peer pressure. I guess most neighbours put something in the tin and smiled to get her away. The charity was one that I did NOT support. So, (being a coward) I told her I donate to charities on-line via credit card.
I did bot lie. I did not tell her I donate to her charity online. She may assume what she wants; but I did not give in to peer pressure.
The world has become bad, making us do whatever others want us to do, even if it is against our principle.
I am certain you'll do the right thing, Mevely.
God bless.
When my son was dying from terminal cancer, the last month the neighborhood church group organized a (every other day) food train. It was the best thing for us, otherwise we would have lived on fritos and chocolates. None of us had an appetite, but this food, made and delivered with notes of encouragement were so good and we looked forward to each visit/delivery. If you can't afford to give, then give a card or note of encouragement and prayer. Words are just as nutritious. After our sons death, a big financial donation was made to the church from our family. I hope and pray my words help you to understand.
ReplyDeleteInsightful ... thank you so much!
DeleteAs you know I live in Alabama and taking food to the family is as normal as breathing. I have never heard of food gift cards being requested, but I do have friends who do not like to cook who have donated them to families, rather than taking food to them.
ReplyDeleteGood to know!
DeleteI am totally on Victor's side. Yes, the southern thing to do is to provide a meal...been on both sides. Personally, I would never ever request either or. Actually, I will take it a step further, since my bil passed away a few months ago...and it really ticked my husband off that the family (we/us) had to pay for the "celebration of life", he simply made the suggestion that folks contribute / pot luck if they wished to have a meal/get together/celebration. That.did.not.go.over.well. My bil's girlfriend had managed to make a big showing over Corporate ie Lowes and the people who wanted to show up etc. Corporate did not show up, just the regular workers. ANYWAYS--Never put yourself out if you can't, and shameful for those who pressure. I have never belonged to a church/congregation who did that. I agree with Victor, simply state I can't afford to right now and leave it at.
ReplyDeleteP.S. Yes, the Chick fil a sandwich was delicious and well worth it. Just keep in in mind that it has jalapenos on it, smiles.
Thank you for sharing your experience, Linda. Oh, and I ❤️ jalapenos!
Deletethecontemplativecat here. Time to find another church. This is cruel, strong arming elders to handle the burden of providing for events.
ReplyDeleteI'm not there, just yet. Just weary of the calls to support this or that -- a couple of months ago it was contribute to buy a bicycle for a priest in the Congo. (Really.)
DeleteI think it is a southern thing and also a protestant thing. I was Catholic most of my adult years and was never asked to provide a meal. Now that I am a protestant and member of a small, tight-knit church, there are meal trains organized all the time for surgeries, deaths, babies born... I was asked if I needed meals for both of my knee surgeries and also when Joe died. I refused. (I did receive several gift cards in sympathy cards.) I do not sign up to provide food for meal trains because I can't right now. Some even give preferences, allergies, etc. Perhaps had I grown up in the south, with the tradition... Don't feel bad about saying no.
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful congregation you belong to, Terri! Okay, I won't!
DeleteI think the cookies is a nice donation.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Debby!
DeleteI think the cookies and a condolence card, if you feel like it, is more than sufficient.
ReplyDeleteThank you for saying so!
DeleteEverywhere. I have lived…Ohio…WV..Indy…SC…Florida…churches do this…I used to say I cooked more meals for others…it is a kind way of showing caring…fixing one dish or a few cookies isn’t much…that being said, no one should feel pressured. Brenda
ReplyDeleteThank you, Brenda.
DeleteI come from Alabama where the tradition of friends bringing food to the family after a death is common. For the reception after the funeral people brought potluck. I mean, death takes the life out of you and family gathers. Who is to make sure they are fed if not for the kindness of their church family.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Latane.
DeleteYou already have many thoughtful people giving their advice.
ReplyDeleteI personally think it's very odd and rude for a family of someone recently deceased to be begging for food. I would ignore them completely.
Cookies are more than enough.
I agree with Victor's thoughts.
DeleteThanks, dear friend. I'm over it already. 🤗
DeleteI guess I am wondering if they are expecting a LOT of company coming in from out of town for the funeral or to be there with the widow in the meantime? I don't know, I've never heard of asking for gift cards to restaurants. Mostly people bring in casseroles, etc. if needed. And then usually the church provides a potluck kind of dinner after the funeral, especially if there's a large crowd expected. Our ladies' group usually heads that up and sometimes they just provide sandwich platters and side salads, etc. to keep it simple. Every community/church is different. I say you do what you feel you can do, and if you are not able to participate, that's okay too. However, I've never heard of the family of the bereaved having to provide the meal themselves. It is a kindness expressed by others to help them during their time of grief so that they don't have to worry about cooking for a lot of people.
ReplyDeleteI think they said 6 adults and 2 children, but your group's outreach sounds perfect. Simple and sweet. Thank you for sharing your experience!
DeleteWhen my husband died, the church provided a luncheon after the funeral for us. I was surprised and didn't ask them to do this. I really had no plans at all. I think it's a wonderful way for others to show they care, but I would never ask for restaurant cards. I've been doing my own cooking for years and expect I could feed any visitors I received.It does make you wonder, if they were people of means why they didn't buy a luncheon for their guests. I guess we always don't know know the other side of the story. Maybe they are really poor and only pretend to have money. People do that all the time.Take care and do what you think is right. Love, ma
ReplyDeleteGood point you make, Ma. There's two sides to every story. Thanks for joining in!
DeleteThis is very normal in our church. "Means" aren't taken into consideration - it is simply to help the grieving (or sick) family get through tough days without having to think about nourishment, etc. Sometimes a person's Sunday School class will go together to provide the meal after the funeral and sometimes families will have a lunch catered. Taking food to folks in the south is equal to love. IMO, I would think that two or three meals for a couple of weeks PLUS the funeral luncheon should be plenty BUT I don't know the family's situation. One of our class members had a very rare form of cancer that UAB couldn't treat. They found a doctor in the northeast who did a specialized heated chemo treatment - they literally opened her up and filled her up with heated chemo (she has had no recurrence). Before she and her husband left to go to the hospital, our class showered them with gift cards and quarters, etc. to use while away PLUS some for the high school ages kids who were at home. This family is not in need financially - it was just a way to show love. Please don't be too hard on yourself and also, if it is a financial burden on anyone, you shouldn't be expected to contribute.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Lisa. That's an amazing story about your friend's cancer journey! Wow.
DeleteI am in your boat... I would make a small donation, and try to forget it. Our church serves one meal for the family and that is usually on the day following the funeral or receiving. At times the day after but one meal. I think that is all that should even be expected.
ReplyDeleteI have never heard of a family requesting meals. But , maybe NC & FL is different.
Anyway I would think you have taken part.... So be it., I would say.
Sherry & jack thinking of you (I despise being strongarmed or intimidated or as I call it at store doors 'Being ambushed by any charity or club.'
WE always GIVE when we feel it is truly warranted.
Thank you so much! I don't know if y'all have a Publix supermarket near, but they have permanent signage stating they do not allow organizations to solicit while on their property. I always feel uncomfortable when passing by a card table of little Scouts and saying "No."
DeletePS: I am sure there are extenuation circumstances in certain cases. If that were true surely you would have heard it. I cannot imagine suggesting that our church provide us meals. If they do or did I would appreciate it, but could never force myself to ask NOR would I feel they were obligated to do that......
ReplyDeleteYep! I've an update in tomorrow's post.
Delete