A Little Levity

 

I'm republishing this at the request of a dear friend.  Unfortunately, I can't take credit for having authored this piece, but would certainly do so if I knew!

I hope you enjoy!

What ARE Grits?

Nobody really knows. Some folks believe grits are grown on bushes and are harvested by midgets by shaking the bushes after spreading sheets around them.

Many people feel that grits are made from ground-up bits of white corn. These are obviously lies spread by communists and terrorists. Nothing as good as grits can be made from corn.

The most recent research suggests that the mysterious manna that God rained down upon the Israelites during their time in the Sinai Desert was most likely grits. Critics disagree, stating that there is no record of biscuits, butter, salt and red eye gravy raining down from the sky, and that God would not punish his people by forcing them to eat grits without these key ingredients.

Grits are formed deep underground under intense heat and pressure. It takes over 1,000 years to form a single grit. Most of the world's grit mines are in South Carolina, and are guarded day and night by armed guards and pit bull dogs. Harvesting the grit is a dangerous occupation, and many grit miners lose their lives each year so that grits can continue to be served morning after morning for breakfast -- not that having grits for lunch or supper is out of the question.

Yankees have attempted to create synthetic grits. They call it Cream of Wheat. As far as we can tell, the key ingredients of Cream of Wheat are Elmer's Glue and shredded Styrofoam. These synthetic grits have also been shown to cause nausea.

As we mentioned earlier, the first known mention of grits was by the ancient Israelites in the Sinai Desert. After that, grits were not heard from for another 1,000 years. Experts feel that grits were used during this time only during secret religious ceremonies, and were kept from the public due to their rarity. The next mention of grits was found amidst the ruins of the ancient city of Pompeii in a woman's personal diary. That woman's name was Herculaneum Jemimaneus. (Aunt Jemima to her friends.)

The 10 Commandments of Grits

Thou shalt not put syrup on thy grits.

Thou shalt not eat thy grits with a spoon or knife.

Thou shalt not eat Cream of Wheat and call it grits, for this is blasphemy.

Thou shalt no covet thy neighbor's grits.

Thou shalt use only salt, butter and red-eye gravy as toppings for thy grits.

Thou shalt not eat Instant Grits.

Thou shalt not put ketchup on thy grits.

Thou shalt not put margarine on thy grits.

Thou shalt not eat toast why thy grits -- only biscuits made from scratch.

Thou shalt eat grits on the Sabbath for this is manna from Heaven.

How to Cook Grits

For one serving: Boil 1.5 c. of water with salt and a little butter. (Use milk and they are creamier!)  Add 5 Tbsp. of grits. Reduce to a simmer and allow the grits to soak up all the water. When a pencil stuck into the grits stands alone, it is done. That's all!

Now, begin eating your grits. Always use a fork, never a spoon. Your grits should be thick enough so they do not run through the tines of the fork.

The correct beverage to serve with grits is black coffee.  DO NOT use cream or, heaven forbid, skim milk. Your grits should never be eaten in a bowl because Yankees will think it's Cream of Wheat.

Ways to Eat Leftover Grits

Spread them in the bottom of a casserole dish. Cover and place in the refrigerator overnight. The grits will congeal into a gelatinous mass.  Next morning, slice the grits into squares and fry in 1/2" of cooking oil and butter until they turn a golden brown.

Let's eat!

Have a happy Sunday ... stay safe!

Hugs, Myra