Sunday, September 6, 2009

Grits

Do you like grits?

Yes, I've heard tell it's an "acquired taste." Nonetheless, I've been a fan for years; and have finally wooed DH into eating 'em ~ on purpose ~ of course, with promises of real butter and brown sugar.

I received this "tutorial" a while back ~ It just cracked me up, and wanted to share:

What are Grits?


Nobody really knows. Some folks believe grits are grown on bushes and are harvested by midgets by shaking the bushes after spreading sheets around them.

Many people feel that grits are made from ground up bits of white corn. These are obviously lies spread by communists and terrorists. Nothing as good as Grits can be made from corn.

The most recent research suggests that the mysterious manna that God rained down upon the Israelites during their time in the Sinai Desert was most likely Grits. Critics disagree, stating that there is no record of biscuits, butter, salt, and red eye gravy raining down from the sky, and that God would not punish his people by forcing them to eat Grits without these key ingredients.

Grits are formed deep underground under intense heat and pressure. It takes over 1,000 years to form a single Grit. Most of the world's grit mines are in South Carolina , and are guarded day and night by armed guards and pit bull dogs. Harvesting the Grit is a dangerous occupation, and many Grit miners lose their lives each year so that Grits can continue to be served morning after morning for breakfast (not that having Grits for lunch and dinner is out of the question).

Yankees have attempted to create synthetic Grits. They call it Cream of Wheat. As far as we can tell, the key ingredients of Cream of Wheat are Elmer's Glue and shredded styrofoam. These synthetic grits have also been shown to cause nausea.

As we mentioned earlier, the first known mention of Grits was by the Ancient Israelites in the Sinai Desert . After that, Grits were not heard from for another 1000 years. Experts feel that Grits were used during this time only during secret religious ceremonies, and were kept from the public due to their rarity. The next mention of Grits was found amidst the ruins of the ancient city of Pompeii in a woman's personal diary. The woman's name was Herculaneum Jemimaneus (Aunt Jemima to her friends.)

The 10 Commandments of Grits

I. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits.
II. Thou shalt not eat thy Grits with a spoon or knife.
III. Thou shalt not eat Cream of Wheat and call it Grits, for this is blasphemy.
IV. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Grits.
V. Thou shalt use only salt, butter, and red-eye gravy as toppings for thy Grits.
VI Thou shalt not eat Instant Grits.
VII. Thou shalt not put ketchup on thy Grits.
VIII. Thou shalt not put margarine on thy Grits.
IX. Thou shalt not eat toast with thy Grits, only biscuits made from scratch.
X. Thou shalt eat grits on the Sabbath for this is manna from heaven.

How to Cook Grits

For one serving of Grits? Boil 1.5 cups of water with salt and a little butter. [Use milk and they are creamier!) Add 5 TBsp of Grits. Reduce to a simmer and allow the Grits to soak up all the water. When a pencil stuck into the grits stands alone, it is done. That's all there is to cooking grits.


How to make red eye gravy.
Fry salt cured country ham in cast iron pan. Remove the ham when done and add coffee to the gravy and simmer for several minutes. Great on grits and biscuits. How to Eat Grits Immediately after removing your grits from the stove top, add a generous portion of butter or red eye gravy. (WARNING: Do NOT use low-fat butter.) The butter should cause the Grits to turn a wondrous shade of yellow. (Hold a banana or a yellow rain slicker next to your Grits; if the colors match, you have the correct amount of butter.) In lieu of butter, pour a generous helping of red eye gravy on your grits. Be sure to pour enough to have some left for sopping up with your biscuits.

Never, ever substitute canned or store bought biscuits for the real thing because they cause cancer, rotten teeth ---- Next, add salt. (NOTICE: The correct ration of Grit to Salt is 10:1 Therefore for every 10 grits, you should have 1 grain of salt.)

Now begin eating your grits. Always use a fork, never a spoon, to eat Grits. Your grits should be thick enough so they do not run through the tines of the fork.

The correct beverage to serve with Grits is black coffee. DO NOT use cream or, heaven forbid, Skim Milk.) Your grits should never be eaten in a bowl because Yankees will think its Cream of Wheat.

Ways to Eat Leftover Grits (Leftover grits are extremely rare.)
Spread them in the bottom of a casserole dish, Cover and place them in the refrigerator overnight. The Grits will congeal into a gelatinous mass. Next morning, slice the Grits into squares and fry them in 1/2" of cooking oil and butter until they turn a golden brown.

Many people are tempted to pour syrup onto Grits served this way. This is, of course, unacceptable. (Note: Slices can also be dipped into beaten egg and fried.)

9 comments:

  1. Oh my gosh! this post has me in stitches. My mother is from Alabama and I was raised on grits. Love them. But, the comments from my northern cousins each time they would sleep over when we were kids should be added to your list.

    Never understood why grits were so maligned but I have to copy the 10 list and send it to a few of my cousins (if I have your permission) to remind them of those days. I have a rather long list of kinfolk I am going to refer to this post as well.

    We always made our grits by the box full. I have 12 sibs after all. We loved to have extra for frying. The fried grits were a staple in our school lunch box along with our nanner sandwiches (that is banana for the uninformed).

    Over the years my siblings and I have also given our mother an arm load of tee shirts and sweatshirts with the "GRITS" logo. I'm sure you have seen them. The ones where grits is explained as "girls raised in the south" or grandmother etc.

    Loved this post.

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  2. When Rita said I needed to go read your post, I read it back to her and we both laughed all over again. I confess I do like cream of wheat. I was shocked the first time I saw a yankee put grits in a bowl with milk and sugar. We always put gravy on ours. My grandmother said people "north of the line" did lots of strange anti-social things and eating grits like it was cereal was just another one.

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  3. I'm laying here relaxing and enjoying reading the sweet comments with my grandmother. I wanted to thank you for your kind words and thoughts, and for your prayers. Have a wonderful evening*!
    _Ashley

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  4. Well...I was right in the middle of typing this and it all just went away! So..you may get 2 from me..
    Love grits...red eye gravy on homemade biscuits and BRIDGES OF MADISON COUNTY.
    Just loved this post!!

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  5. Oh, and meant to say that years ago, when I first started playing around with a computer, my cousin, my EAST TEXAS cousin, said I had to have a HANDLE to do email. He named me GRITS...just like your mom!! :O)

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  6. You know, I have lived in Texas my whole life and don't think I have ever even tried grits!! My mom loves them so guess I'll have to try them now and let you know.

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  7. I did not grow up eating grits and I only tried them twice--once in Florida and once in Missouri. I did not like them. I might learn to like grits but at my age I don't see much need to learn to eat anything else since I eat so much already. This was a very funny post......My new computer is an HP. Charlotte has a Mac and loves it. It costs more and I didn't think we needed two. I like this new one but I am still getting it set up the way I want it. Have a great day.

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  8. I must confess that I had grits this week. I take my eggs (over light) and mix 'em up with my grits after a pat of butter has been melted and stirred in. Then I do use a SPOON to enjoy them.

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  9. I love this post! My mom grew up in the south and tried so hard to get us to like grits, but we never took to them. However, I live in Memphis now, and I have actually found a grits dish I like: Cheesy Grits with Spicy Shrimp! Now that's the way to eat grits!

    My mom has severe rheumatoid arthritis and is wheelchair bound. She hasn't cooked in years, but when the Waffle House came to Albuquerque she had grits again!

    Thanks for the laugh and memories! (BTW, my dad was stationed in Los Alamos 1967-70. I loved living there!)

    [Sorry if this posted twice; not sure what happened when I went to post.]

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Thanks so much for dropping by! Your words are like hugs from afar.... and who doesn't love a hug!